Where The Work Needs Doing
When I moved to San Luis Obispo, CA, I sent an email to my parents and siblings telling them I am non-binary. I did it with the prompt of pride month, and the safety of over 200 miles between where I grew up as the daughter they knew, to where I could start again as the person my heart knew I’d been all along: a non-binary person whose pronouns are they/them.
Of course I didn’t have this language for most of my life and just considered myself to be a broken, maladaptive freak and general problem. But, thankfully, with the bravery of others’ fights and coming out, I accessed the language that more fully encapsulates who I am and finally allowed me to breathe.
In response to my email, most of my immediate family was accepting and kind. They didn’t make a big to-do one way or another. I think my brother or sister might’ve responded with a heart emoji. I felt lucky then, and I still do.
When I moved, one of my best friends teased me for more fully coming out (I was out to my friends) and leaving Oakland. “You came out and then left ‘the mecca!’” She said in reference to Oakland and the greater Bay Area’s LGBTQ+ population and acceptance.
But, I’d grown up there. I loved it and it was painful to be there at the same time; the reminders of all the ways I hadn’t been myself for nearly 30 years were everywhere from the parks I walked by to the people I ran into at the grocery store.
When I moved to SLO in the early summer of 2020, I felt a sense of freedom and ease. Though over a year in getting to know more about the town, I felt a different kind of fear I hadn’t before.
Trump, Confederate, and Blue Lives Matter flags accented neighborhoods all around mine. The further North or South of the county one goes, the more are found. During the 2020 election, parades of cars with Trump flags toured up and down the coast. Then January 6th happened. And there are still people who stand on the highway overpass between Atascadero and Paso Robles with signs that say “Trump Won” “Let’s Go Brandon” and “Trump 2024.”
In this year I took the rainbow sticker off my car, just in case. I stopped saying my pronouns to anyone and, because I present more feminine, I just let people’s assumptions take hold. It was a safety thing, and a lack of bravery thing. It’s not that all of SLO County is menacing or unkind, in fact it’s quite the opposite. People are incredibly polite. They say “hello” as you pass by and it seems like having good manners is a requirement of living here. Cal Poly has made it more progressive in some aspects, and there are safe havens for people from all walks of life.
Though it’s certainly not the Bay Area, either. There’s just less acknowledgment for multiple perspectives. And that’s what queerphobia is in a sense — it’s a subtle disregard for anything that’s not heteronormative.
Though, just as I started to feel the life getting sucked out of me again, I was given air again from some truly amazing human beings, both allies and fellow queer folks, that reminded me I can be safe amongst threat, and that this is exactly where I need to be.
The same friend who teased me about leaving the “mecca” recently told me she’s hoping to move out of the Bay as well — to North Carolina.
“The thing is,” she said, “the work is being done here in the Bay. We all need to start going where the work needs doing.”
I‘m a counselor for social services all over SLO county and recently a family whose child I’d been working with asked my supervisor that I be removed from a case because I am non-binary. They did not want me supporting their trans son who they believe has “identity issues.”
The family was kind. They said they appreciated the time and effort I had put in, but my identity was against their religious beliefs. I thanked them for the opportunity to work with their son and wished their family well.
This interaction does not display my personal feelings of devastation in this process though of course they were felt. I don’t intend to paint this family as evil villains because that is not what they are. They have grown up to believe, learn and care about certain values that, unfortunately, negate certain data-backed realities. And these beliefs and values have, time and again, statistically shown to have harmful, life-threatening effects on the mental health of children and adults everywhere.
I remain devastated for the child, and for trans kids everywhere in similar situations. And I remain more certain than ever that this is where I need to be, where I am glad to have ended up: where the work needs doing.
*It should be noted that there are other trans children I work with in the area whose parents are very accepting and supportive. And, overall, this was written with the intent to show truth not paint anyone as against one another. I believe if people are labeled in the binary of “bad” or “good” it will stop us all from truly being accountable and growing towards meaningful change for the better.
